I had a dream one night and I woke up with a new realization, you know, the little breakthough kinda thoughts.

I saw my own patterns in all my relationships with men.
Guess what .. they're all related to just one person - my father.

Noone is perfect and I learnt to accept that fact way too long ago, so there oughtta be something in my parents that I don't like about. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I'm an ungreatful daughter. I love them both with all my heart no matter what.

Anyway, I realised that unconsciously I choose to like or dislike any man I met by comparing them to the things I like or dislike about my father.
For instance, say, if he's too full of himself, telling me about how his business is like, how much money he earns, etc., I won't ever gonna talk to him again no matter how good looking he is.
However, say, if I feel that he's strong, not afraid of getting into trouble when necessary, sweet talking and kind-hearted, I'm already attracted.

The thing about the relationship between me and my dad is that we never really had one.
We have blood relation alright and of course, he loves me and I love him, but RELATIONSHIP as in a real 'relationship', nahhh never.

See I remember that when I was younger, I used to dream of a happy family just like in the drawing - a lovely house, a car, a father and a mother holding a daughter's hands on each side, smiling wide.
But it was never quite like that.

My dad was, and still is, a real fighter. He fights for everything he wants and he gets them.
For that, I'm proud of him.

But at the same time, it makes him a really busy man. He's always always busy with work, or socialising, or some other fuck-knows-what.
We lived under the same roof but I only got to see him on weekends.

And it bothers me a lot 'cos at that time, my parents are all I've got, all I thought about all day.
I got frightened when they're not around. I needed them to hold my hands when we walked together, I wanted a lot of hugs and kisses all the time, I wanted to feel cared and loved and pampered.
But since I lived with my dad then, those things never happened.

And it's totally alright. No bad damage done. I can still grow up to be a decent person, so far.

I used to believe and hope that may be, just may be, he was going to come back home early tonight and kiss me goodnight every night. I could do it everyday 'cos I told myself that may be he did that but I was asleep first.

Well, see, and one day the problem came when I suddenly realised that I was just being stupid.
I was disappointed and hurt and upset and I hated him for prioritizing money before loving and caring for me (and I hated him more afterwards when I felt that he used his love for me as an excuse to justify himself for never having time for me). I was terrified and scared and troubled and, I don't know, confused may be.

So I got myself busy.
I joined all activities available in school - piano, karate, dancing, basketball, singing, etc. I studied hard and spent lotsa time with homework. I went to school 2hours early everyday.

Just like that.
After a long while, I got over it. I accepted that it is a way of life.
I got used to not spending time with him. I got used to not speaking to him about anything unless it's important enough to be mentioned. I got used to not sharing my happiness or sorrow or ideas or thoughts or anything at all with him.
And I was doing just fine.

As I grew up, we don't live together anymore, and so we talked more.
But I had nothing to say to him. I could listen but I'm quite sure he didn't know what to talk to me about too.
We stick to basic topics like weather, health, relatives, work, and of cos, money.

Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and I was also aware that he loves me with all his heart too.
We just don't know how to work on our relationship becos we have never even tried to have one.

Now, my point is that what happening to me right now is very similar to the abovementioned situation. I was scared and troubled, but no longer.

I see myself now in the getting-myself-busy stage.
And THIS realization FUCKING TERRIFIES me even more right now.
Becos I know what's gonna happen next.

I don't want to give up my believe and hope on us.
I still want to believe that we are special, that we can still be crazily in love just like how we used to be when we just met for as long as we want to, or even more.
I don't want to just another getting-used-to-each-other relationship. I know it's not us. We can do much more, that is if we believe in it together.

I don't want to wait for years before we can be happy. I want to be happy with you NOW and every moment.

It doesn't have to be a fancy dinner or a nightout or anything at all.
It's all already in our heads - you can just turn to look at me for 5 seconds and I'll just know when I look at your eyes that I'm loved and cared, just like before.

It's just these little things that I feel like you can't be bothered much with, becos now that you know I'm right beside you, your priority shifted to something else.

The thing is I believe that we can have other priorities and at the same time, be in love.
I really mean 'in love'.

You don't have to choose between love and work. I know time is limited but it doesn't take much for the love part, does it?

It just takes a belief, a little efforts and love.

Labels: *, family

Found some quotes that inspires me:

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love." - Mother Teresa

"Strength doesn't come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

"Be the change you want to see in the world"

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it - always."

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

- Mahatma Gandhi

"Happiness is multipied when divided." - Paulo Coelho

Lastly, QUOTE of the day:

"Nothing is said that has not been said before." - Terence

Labels: happiness, Humanity, life, love, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Paolo Coelho, peace, quotes, strength, Terence, war

CICATRIZ '09 collection, originally uploaded by nanylva.

:) Design for coming collection of Cicatriz. (next season)
Will update when the production is done.

xx love,
Nan

IMG_3252 M, originally uploaded by nanylva.

Photographer: Vahn Wan
Make-up, dress and shoes: Be Me Styling & Concept

Such a glam pair!
I wanted to nick it at the shoot but I figured that it won't go unnoticed with its pricetag. :(

Anyways, you can find this lovely pair of Crystals heels at Be Me Styling & Concept.
Address: 5F #359 Kang Ding Road (near Shanxi Bei Road)
Tel: (021) 5228 6255

I WANNA DESIGN MY OWN SHOES NOW NOW NOW!

Love,
Nan

♥Quote of the day: I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. - Mahatma Gandhi

Labels: be me styling concept, Fashion Design, Mahatma Gandhi, photoshoot, quotes, recommendations, Shanghai, shoes, shopping

HAPPY CNY. whatever.

I didn't write any updates on this blog for so goddamn long so I'm not gonna start on how shitty CNY in Shanghai (or may be the whole China) is, with all the fucking fireworks and all.

Anyways, not gonna be updating much, again.
and that's just becos I ain't have anything new to update about really.

I'm not getting married anytime soon so you guys (you know who you are) can stop asking me that question.

New year resolution? - BE A NERD.
Believe me I AM FUCKING TRYING.
SO.. I'm gonna get myself busy busy with school projects and shit. ;)

YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! hahhaa. NAN is now very interested in school work!
I just wanna graduate. Get it done and over with. :(

Love & miss ya'll.

Nan

**Sweetie: I know you've been very busy and tired with work lately and I also know that I havn't been much of help either. :( I'm sorry. Just know that I'm actually trying to make you smile and laugh (although I know sometimes I'm such a pain in the ass).
You are the best person I've ever known sweetie and I believe that whatever efforts you're putting in right now will be all worthwhile when the time comes.
*Thank you. Thank you for working so hard to make our family future possible.
Love. 

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Love just is. No definitions. It just is. - The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho

Labels: *, China, CNY, Fashion Design, Paulo Coelho, quotes, Shanghai, The Witch of Portobello